5 Pieces of Marriage Advice We Still Use
Rob and I have been married for almost 2 years. I’m not lying or even exaggerating a little when I say that being married to Rob is the best gift I’ve ever been given. I’m not trying to make people nauseous with a bunch of lovey dovey crap…I’m just speaking my truth. I can also say in the same breath, while my marriage to my best friend is amazing, it’s also been very difficult at times. What they say is true- marriage takes work. I do believe if you pick the right person and put work into it, your marriage should be 1,000 times more amazing than difficult though.
I don’t know if there’s anything you can do that will truly prepare you for marriage. Rob and I both felt strongly about not living together before we got married (more on this some other time, but it was absolutely the best decision we made!), so that wasn’t an option for us. Despite that, I feel like we did a pretty good job educating ourselves and having conversations. I read every blog post about how to prepare for marriage, how to be a good wife, “10 pieces of marriage advice”…etc.etc.etc. We went through a marriage class at our church. We did counseling with our Pastor who married us. I forced Rob to have every difficult conversation you could ever imagine. (By now, you might not be surprised by that!) Some things we learned and have completely forgotten about. And then some things we have fully implemented into our married life, which I believe, have made our marriage so much better. But at the end of the day, everyone has to figure out what works for them!
My goal with this post is to share 5 pieces of marriage advice that were given to us before we got married which were meaningful and still work for us to this day. Since we still utilize them, I wanted to pay it forward. This post could be helpful for someone just about to get married…or maybe it’s a good reminder for someone who’s been married for a while and needs a different perspective. It should go without saying, but I will just say it anyway- These are my opinions and my opinions only. They are not meant to offend or make someone feel bad about their relationship. They are simply my beliefs and experiences from the short amount of time Rob and I have been married. But I do believe with my whole heart that these are the reasons why Rob and I have such a strong marriage. I truly do.
1) Define your routines and relationship with God as a couple.
If you asked us, Rob and I would both be honest and tell you that we will always believe our relationship with God can be better. We haven’t always been “good” Christians. We both would probably not like to talk about some of the dumb things we did in our teens…twenties…okay, maybe thirties too! But we are both believers and strive to lead a life as a follower of Christ. And if you are a follower of Christ, everything in your life should have God at the center…including your marriage.
We talked early on about where we wanted to go to church and then started attending church together before we got married. We try to do devotions together when we can. We joined a connection group with other couples from our church. (This has been one of the best blessings to us!) We talk about our struggles and our blessings. We hold each other accountable. The important thing is that we both want the same things in regards to our faith and while we may not go about it the same way, we know that we have each other to encourage and hold us accountable along our journey. And I truly believe the best times we have in our marriage are the times when we are focused on bringing God into it. I’ve seen it play out time and time again.
2) Never talk negatively about your spouse to others.
I remember I had a friend who I was close to many years ago and she would never talk crap about her boyfriend (now husband). It was back when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and in an on/off relationship. I remember always sharing my frustrations about my “boyfriend” at the time…I don’t think I ever said one positive thing about him, actually. At the time, I was always wishing that she would reciprocate and share something negative about her boyfriend. I wanted her to open up and share so it would make me feel better about my crappy situation. (Misery loves company.) But she never did.
Whose relationship do you think I respected and admired more than any other friend? Yep. Absolutely hers. And I still do to this day.
Bottom line: Don’t talk crap about your husband. I think this advice was probably something I read in a blog post along the way…or maybe it was something I learned in our marriage class, but whatever the case, it has always stuck with me and made me think of my friend.
When I think about it, it makes so much sense. Rob is the person I treasure more than anyone in this world. Why would I ever talk bad about him to someone I treasure less than him? This is where I am so unbelievably thankful that I met Rob at 36 years old because I was mature enough to understand this advice at the time and have promised myself to always respect this advice no matter what.
Most of my girlfriends know this about me (and if they don’t yet, they will once they read this!), but you won’t ever catch me adding any commentary about how much my husband pissed me off the other day or go into a detail about a fight we got into. I don’t care what you say, but I know that one negative comment about my husband can change the way others view him and my marriage. It’s just the truth. And my marriage is the most sacred thing in the world to me (as it should be), so I will always work hard to have nothing tarnish something I hold so dear. It doesn’t mean that I won’t lovingly tease him in front of others (no one likes to tease Rob more than me!) or even share a struggle that we have had together….but I will never share specific negative things about him. And he won’t either.
My last point about it is this. I don’t need to talk negatively about my husband because if I have a problem with him, I tell HIM. (#communication) I don’t hold back….I’m not afraid….yes, maybe I should’ve learned earlier that I don’t have to tell him EVERY thing that frustrates me….but bottom line is that I communicate with him. And I force him to communicate with me too (again…lucky him!).
Ok, wait…sorry… I have one other point to make about this that I learned and took to heart too. If your marriage does ever get to the point where you feel like you can’t figure it out on your own or by communicating with him, then only get advice from someone who’s marriage you respect and admire. This is something I remember learning from the marriage class we attended. It sounds so obvious to me now, but before I had never really thought about it. Why would you ever get advice from someone who doesn’t have a marriage that you respect? It would be the equivalent of asking for money advice from a thief! Ok, hopefully my point is made now. Thank you for reading along this far.
3) Be aligned with finances.
Rob and I did the best thing ever right after we got married- we signed up for Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. This was one of the best decisions we ever made. Seriously…best.decision.ever. (Have I made my point?!) The reason why is because it put us on the same playing field with money right away. We weren’t choosing how to handle money the way I thought we should or the way Rob thought we should…we learned together and then decided what we wanted our financial situation to be together. It also forced us to have tough conversations, but more importantly it forced us to be aligned right from the start.
I know people have many different theories about money…joint accounts…his and her accounts…or a combo of both. What I will say (and I’m not an expert) is that having all of our money together has made us more of a team than anything else in our marriage. 100% truth. We have the same goal and we can celebrate together when we hit milestones. We talk about it all the time and never keep any secrets from each other when it comes to money. And honestly…we rarely fight about money. I mean, we’ve had some heated discussions, but that’s about all. And the reason is because we were aligned right from the start.
4) Determine ownership.
Since Rob and I never lived together before we got married, it was a clean slate for us to discuss who was going to own what in our household. We talked before we got married about all the tasks/chores such as who was going to mow the lawn (Rob), shovel snow (Rob), and clean the bathroom (Steph). We both have our areas of ownership and I truly think it reduces the amount of things there are to be frustrated about. I don’t even feel bad about it when it snows 5 inches and Rob wakes up at 5am to shovel snow because I know that I do my part in the house and shoveling snow is not my responsibility.
It should be mentioned that this in not 100% set in stone and also should not be used as a weapon with each other. There are times when I might be overwhelmed with work and Rob has an easier week when he offers to help me out. And over the 2 years we’ve been married, we’ve changed some of our responsibilities too. The important part is being able to communicate about it, but also know that each of us need to contribute to our household equally. It’s not one person’s responsibility more than the others. (Again, this is my opinion…)
5) Have a weekly check-in with your spouse.
This was something we learned in our marriage class and we do it (almost) every week on Sunday night. We call it our “Sync Meeting”, mostly because we are uncreative and that’s what they called it in our marriage class.
It’s meant to be a weekly time to communicate with each other about what’s going on the next week so there are no surprises. Usually it ends up with me telling Rob everything I have going on and Rob saying, “I have nothing” (ah, I love my introvert husband). Either way, it’s helpful to start the week on the same page. We also check in with how we’re feeling about our relationship…we talk about finances…anything important that we need to discuss, we bring up. I probably appreciate it more than Rob because I’m a planner, but I definitely think it helps keep us on the same page.
There you have it! The best marriage advice we received that still works for us. It’s by no means all encompassing. I didn’t talk about all the other things that make up a great marriage like communication, trust, honesty, love, etc. I shared these things because they are tangible. You can implement them into your life immediately.
Listen. I’m not an expert and I hope that’s not how I am coming across. I’ve only been married a short time. Rob and I have absolutely had our struggles these past couple of years. Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work and a lot of communication. My advice to those about to get married is to take all the advice you can get….and then discuss together what things you want to implement into your marriage.
And hold on…you’re about to enter one of the greatest rides of your life.
