Infertility=Grief
I lost my dad 9 years ago to pancreatic cancer. I had never experienced a loss like that before. I remember feeling overwhelmed with sadness at random times, out of nowhere. There were times when I cried so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. The things that I loved doing, didn’t bring me joy anymore. Nothing really brought me joy…at least for a certain period of time.
I received news from my IVF doctor the day after my 40th birthday that my 2nd egg retrieval was unsuccessful. The irony of it all is that moments before…literally seconds before…I pushed the “Post” button on a Facebook post I wrote where I shared how happy and content I am in life and not scared at all about turning 40. In my head, I remember pushing “Post”, closing Facebook and then seeing the incoming call from my IVF doctor. I knew in my heart that it was news about my embryos…I just didn’t know it was going to be this bad of news.
Every time I have received bad news from a doctor, it feels like I’m having an out of body experience. I heard what he said, but it was like I was observing the conversation from up above and not really me. It took me awhile to process it. We had 3 embryos from my 2nd egg retrieval and we got them genetically tested. The doctor started the conversation by saying “Unfortunately, I don’t have good news for you.” Every single embryo had chromosomal abnormalities, so they would be “discarded”. This now means all 4 of the embryos my husband and I created through IVF had chromosomal abnormalities. My question to the doctor was “Is there something wrong with us?” And his answer was vague as most doctors are. “We don’t have any reason to believe there is anything wrong with either one of you…..it seems like this is what you might consider bad luck.” Bad luck? Well then you must be talking to the right girl because the last 10 years of my life could be defined as “bad luck”. (Hey….I deserve at least one ‘feel sorry for myself’ comment, don’t I?)
My husband and I were in Sedona, Arizona at the time to celebrate my 40th birthday. I was in the lobby drinking coffee when I received the call, so I headed back to the room so I could share the sad news with my husband. He was in the shower, so I sat on the bed and started to cry. He obviously knew something was wrong when he came out so I told him what I heard from the doctor. For the next hour or so, we cried together and talked about how we felt. On one hand, it was disappointing that we had to hear this news while we were on vacation trying to escape reality, but on the other hand, I was glad to have the time away from real life to process everything. So for the next few days, we saw some sights, spent time in the sun, stayed in the hotel and ate pizza, had emotional talks… and then I cried randomly when was overwhelmed with emotion, just like I did 9 years prior.
I didn’t want to come home from sunny Arizona. I don’t normally feel this way when I go on vacation….or at least I haven’t since I have created a life with my husband. I love being at home with him. This time was different….I didn’t want to come back and face reality.
I immediately felt a sense of depression when we got home. I don’t know if it was the 27 inches of snow that was still sitting on our lawn or the fact that now I have to figure out what this disappointing news really means for our life. I’ve tried to imagine a life that doesn’t include kids and it just makes tears well up in my eyes. Having kids has always felt like a million years away…even when I turned 40….but I still felt like I would get there eventually. Now I’m about 1 (maybe 2) egg retrievals away from finding out that I can never have kids of my own. The thought takes my breath away…. just like after my dad died and when I would remember that he was actually gone forever.
I know what I am experiencing is grief. Unfortunately, it’s familiar to me….like “oh yeah, I remember you and what it feels like when you’re around.” It’s like an old enemy coming back in my life. It’s random crying in the kitchen when a thought crosses my mind….not wanting to get out of bed in the morning….looking at others with envy who have what was “taken” away from me….not enjoying the things that normally bring me joy…..trying to understand why this happened to me.
So, yes it’s grief….and if you feel it too, you might be wondering, what do I do about it? My answer for you is that you feel it, you live it, you experience it. Every last bit of it. It sucks….oh Lord, it sucks. But you have to ride it out. You have to feel everything because if you don’t then you will just be bottling it up to feel in a year or 10 years….and that will compound over time like interest and you will have a more grief to deal with than you do today. My best advice for all my grieving sisters (whatever you’re grieving)…is to feel it. And then at least do the bare minimum to survive right now too. Get out of bed each morning, go to work, eat as healthy as you can, spend time with people who fill your bucket and pray…a lot. And with each passing day, you will have more strength and more resilience to fight the next battle that comes your way. Trust me…I know because I’ve done it before and you can too.
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19 Comments
Sarah Hoy
This is an amazing blog. I’m so proud of you and even though I don’t see you often you’re always in my thoughts and prayers friend !
Stephanie
Thank you so much, Sarah!
Shirley Piepenbrink
Steph I really enjoyed reading your blog. I was a Stephen Minister in our WI church and writing about one’s situation was always something I recommended. You don’t have to be a professional writer to share your thoughts and grief with others. I do believe God will use your blog to comfort and help others and yourself. You are in my prayers. Keep it up.
Stephanie
Thank you, Shirley! I appreciate your encouragement so much!
Michele S
You know I get this. Stunning and comforting. Naturally, well written. I look forward to all of your entries.
Stephanie
Thank you, Michele! Your encouraging words are always such a gift to me.
Renée
Steph- First and foremost, I am so sorry you are going through such painful experiences. My heart hurts for you and Rob. I also want to say that you are an amazing writer. Thank you for being vulnerable and shedding light on this topic. Speaking from experience, it helps to hear from others who can relate. And last but not least, I truly hope that the next phone call you receive from your doctor is good news
Stephanie
Thank you so much, Renee! I really appreciate your encouraging words. I totally agree about being able to relate to what someone is going through…this process is so tough and can feel so lonely. I’ve been very thankful to be able to talk to Michelle more now than we have in the last 10+ years. It’s funny how experiences in life can bring people together. I’m always thinking about you two as well. You will make amazing parents! Hope to see you soon!
Rhoda Baldwin
Stephanie, we (husband Larry and I) have just added you and your husband to our daily prayer list. A number of years ago, we were members at Grace Waterloo for about 5 years. This was after we’d returned from living in Las Vegas for 3 years, where Larry and I taught. We got to know your parents and so respected and loved them. We’d been on vacation when your dear father was called Home. Later, we were having a conversation with your mother when she told us of the loss. We were stunned! Today we read of another kind of grief for you and your family and our hearts go out to you. Stephanie, Larry taught your husband at Jesup and your in-laws were neighbors “up the street” on Ainsworth. We were so happy when you two met and married. Nothing we can say will remove your pain, but we will lift up your needs to our loving Heavenly Father, asking Him to soothe your torn hearts and grant you His peace. What you have written is bold and will resonate with other women sharing the same burden. Continue to write and to hope, remembering to always place your Hope in the Lord. Your father had that kind of hope and shared it with others. He was a fine example for you to follow.
In Christian love,
Rhoda and Larry Baldwin
Stephanie
Thank you so much for your kind words, Rhoda! I definitely know who you are…my Mom has always spoke so kindly of you. And Rob definitely has mentioned your husband as well! Also, I walk by your house on my daily walks and admire your garden so much! Will you teach me your gardening secrets? It’s absolutely beautiful. Above everything, thank you for including us in your prayers. We are working hard at putting our trust in the Lord through this.
Emilie
I love this. I’m so proud of you Stephanie ❤️
Stephanie
Thanks, Emilie! Miss you!
Renée Robinson
Steph- First and foremost, I am so sorry you are going through such painful experiences. My heart hurts for you and Rob. I also want to say that you are an amazing writer. Thank you for being vulnerable and shedding light on this topic. Speaking from experience, it helps to hear from others who can relate. And last but not least, I truly hope that the next phone call you receive from your doctor is good news!
Stephanie
Thank you so much, Renee! I really appreciate your encouraging words. I totally agree about being able to relate to what someone is going through…this process is so tough and can feel so lonely. I’ve been very thankful to be able to talk to Michelle more now than we have in the last 10+ years. It’s funny how experiences in life can bring people together. I’m always thinking about you two as well. You will make amazing parents! Hope to see you soon!
Christy Weber
Stephanie
I hear you, I see you and I certainly know our Heavenly Father is right beside you! This brings me back to many years ago- Tearfully remembering so many losses. I personally know what it is also like to go through IVF – with all the medications, fears, hope, discomfort, and to come up empty. I am sorry to see you go through so much grief…..but I also know Gods timing doesn’t always align with ours. 10 years of waiting wanting my life to work out as I planned lead me to the Lord! AMAZING! I know I can’t do or say much to provide peace and understanding through your loss-but I will pray for you and Rob that God’s will be done! He sure can move mountains and I have hope that he will for you! Thanks for sharing your life with us!
Stephanie
Thank you so much, Christy! I’m sorry that you had to go through it too…it’s such a heartbreaking journey and I’m glad for you it was a happy ending. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’d love to connect more about it with you sometime!
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