The Wait

It’s been 7 days, 17 hours and 15 minutes since I had my embryo transfer (not that I’m counting or anything). I thought it would be good to share how I’ve been feeling, even if it’s just a reminder to myself someday. In a way, my blog has kinda become my diary…except instead of keeping those intimate thoughts and feelings to myself, I share them with the world. (Yikes!)

The embryo transfer on June 30th was so seamless that I started off the week with a lot of hope. The day after the transfer I was super tired, so I barely did anything. I was fortunate to had already made plans to go to my family’s cabin in Northern Minnesota over the 4th, which was absolutely the best thing for me. It was such a great distraction! I went up there without my husband because he stayed home with the dogs, but my sister and her family were there too. I’m pretty sure I spent the whole two days laughing my butt off with them. It was just what my heart needed. 

Unfortunately, I picked the wrong day to come back because right when I got to Rochester, Minnesota, I saw some dark and scary clouds rolling in. Most of the drive home from there was fine, but when I hit Waterloo (Iowa) I was basically driving through the eye of the storm. I was about 5 minutes outside my town when my husband called to tell me that the tornado sirens went off. I was literally driving through the worst of the storm. I made it home just in time for my husband, our dogs and me to rush down to the basement. My heart was racing.

What do you think my first thought was after I settled down from the 10 minutes of pure chaos? 

My embryo will never survive this and it’s all my fault. Why didn’t I look at the weather forecast beforehand and just come home the next day?

Guilt. Shame. Self-blame. 

The feelings those of us who go through infertility become much too familiar with. We blame ourselves for everything, even things we know are outside our control.

Before my embryo transfer, I had all the intentions in the world of being so excited, having hope and truly enjoying this time while I wait. (Did I ever mention that I tend to be a little unrealistic with my expectations? My husband and sisters can tell you plenty of stories someday if you’re ever interested!) 

Instead, I think the best word that describes how I have been feeling so far this week is scared. Sooo fricken scared. I’m absolutely terrified that I will get the call from my doctor on Monday after my blood test results come in and they will start the conversation by saying, “I’m sorry to tell you…”

When you are so used to hearing bad news, bad news is all you expect.  

Part of my fear is also because I hoped that I would just instantly feel pregnant, like the moment after they put the embryo inside me. After we left the clinic, I told my husband, “I just want to feel different” and he said, “I don’t think it happens like that, hun.” (Again, my unrealistic expectations.)

But seriously…this week I have just been hoping for a sign. I’ve googled symptoms I should be feeling after my embryo transfer about 2,000 times a day for the past 7 days. I feel some things, yes, but nothing that gives me the absolute answer I am looking for. That answer I won’t receive until July 11th. And as that day approaches, the more scared I get. But in a weird way, I almost find comfort in these days that I am waiting because if I do get the bad news I’m afraid of, at least I will always have this time with my embryo. It might sound weird to some, but I’m sure others can understand.  

I know in my head that all I can do is pray everyday for God to turn this little embryo into a healthy baby and the rest is up to God. But, of course, my heart always wants more. My heart wants certainty. And I know I won’t get that until July 11th.

So many people continue to reach out to me, check in on me, share that they are praying for me, etc. Thank you so much. Please continue to pray for my embryo….it would mean the world to me.

2 days, 20 hours and 38 minutes to go…