When Your Dad’s Not at Your Wedding

9 years, 4 hours and 5 minutes ago, my Dad passed away from pancreatic cancer.  Our family was all gathered around his bed in the wee hours of the morning watching him take his last breath of life. And when he did take that last breath, I said goodbye to my Dad’s physical body…along with so many hopes and dreams I had for a future with him.

Several days before my Dad died, I was able to talk to him in his hospital room. Just him and I.  I was so scared to do it because I didn’t want to say goodbye. I will always thank my sister for pushing me to talk to him. I told him how much I loved him. I told him how sad I was that he wouldn’t be at my wedding some day….that we would both miss out on him walking me down the aisle and dancing the Father/Daughter dance.  We cried together. I asked my father who he wanted to walk me down the aisle and he said “Your uncles…all of them.”

Later that afternoon, I played “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole for him because for some reason that was always the song I wanted to dance to with him at my wedding. I had no idea how much meaning that song would have someday.  

I was only 31 at that time and nowhere close to being married. I still needed my dad. For those of us who lost our parents at an early age, there is so much we end up missing out on. That’s just the reality of it. I think about all the great times we’ve missed out on with him- vacations, trips to the cabin, Sunday lunches, talking about our careers, listening to him tell a story, his wisdom. I miss hearing him say “Well that’s a good question”, when I asked something he didn’t know the answer to.  Above all, I wish he would’ve been here to meet my husband.  

I feel like the really challenging times in my life started with my Dad dying…and then these past 9 years have been a mix of amazing and incredibly hard. What I’ve learned through my Dad’s death is that you can either grow or decide to give up. (And I’m naturally a fighter, so there was no chance I was going to give up.) The reality (and it sounds so simple) is that you can’t give up when someone dies because you still have a life to live. And honestly, it would be insulting to them if you did stop living because I’m sure that person wanted to keep living too. 

So that’s what I did. I kept living. And I lived more meaningfully and more deeply than ever before. I grew from the pain and didn’t give up. I asked myself if my actions would make my Dad proud and many times that would be my motivation. And you know what happened? In those years following my Dad’s death, I met myself. And I started to like her. 

I had no idea at the time what my growth would equip me for in the years ahead, but there ended up being so much. Loss of relationships. Dealing with major health issues. Multiple surgeries. Learning what kind of people I want to keep in my life and what kind I don’t. Meeting my husband. IVF. 

Do I think my Dad had to die for me to figure out who I truly was? Absolutely not.  But I do think there is always a choice we make when faced with adversity…grow or give up….and (for once in my life) I made the right choice. Grow. 

Rob and I got married almost 2 years ago. Right before the ceremony, all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were gathered in a small building before we walked out to the garden where our wedding was located.  I started feeling overwhelmed with emotion and needed a moment to myself. All of a sudden out of nowhere, I started sobbing uncontrollably like I did randomly after my Dad died.  My Mom and sisters were there with me and we all cried together.  I don’t remember what was said…I honestly don’t even know if words were said….but we all knew what was happening. We were missing someone really important that day. With all the excitement of the wedding, I didn’t have time to process it until the moment before I was walking down the aisle to my future husband. 

I didn’t have my uncles walk me down the aisle, but instead my Mom. (I laugh to myself and say, “It definitely wasn’t the first time I didn’t listen to something my Dad told me to do.”) But we did something incredibly special with them. We had them dance with me to “Unforgettable” for the Father/Daughter dance. It was such a meaningful moment that honored my Dad perfectly.

My Dad wasn’t at my wedding and it was heartbreaking. One of the things so many people take for granted in their lives. Something that sounds so simple but has so much meaning.  But if I hadn’t chose to grow after my Dad died, I probably would never have met my husband. I would’ve stayed in the same exact place I was when he died…and that would’ve been incredibly tragic.  So even though I was one of the unlucky women who didn’t get to have her Dad at her wedding, I’m incredibly thankful that through his death I chose life. And there’s no better way to honor him than that. 

I love you always, Dad.