Find Your Community.

I’ve often mentioned that one of the best things about starting a blog is how much I have been able to connect with other people who are going through (or have gone through) similar things. Sometimes I have previously been aware of their struggles and sometimes I haven’t. Either way, each story that is shared with me inspires me in a new and different way.

A few weeks ago, someone I have known for literally almost all of my life reached out to me after I shared a post to my Instagram story about being a childless woman. She shared the struggles that she and her husband had with trying to have children, but she also shared the good things they have found about being childfree. She then gave me the most profound piece of advice I have received yet: Find a childless community. 

It’s funny how some things come to you at exactly the right time. 

If you’ve followed along with my blogs, you would know that I am working on living in the moment and not getting caught up in “trying too hard” to get pregnant. Rob and I have discussed doing IVF one more time, which we probably will in the next 6 months or so. But for right now, I have been working through the grief cycle and really trying hard to get to acceptance. Acceptance that if a child is not meant for us, I will be okay with it. 

When my friend shared how much finding a childless community helped her, I realized it was exactly what I needed to hear. The reality is, if Rob and I are truly not meant to be parents, it would be great to find support and love from other people who are similar to us. Moms have their “Mom Groups” for a reason…now it is time for me to form my “Non-Mom Group”. (Any takers?)

As I’ve reflected more on the notion of a childless community, I connected it to the times throughout my life when I felt this deep sense of loneliness. I’ve always thought was really strange for me to feel lonely when I did because I have so many wonderful friends, a great family and, of course, my husband who is my best friend. But there are times, no matter how many people I have in my life, when I’ve just yearned for someone else to understand me and my situation completely. 

And then one time I read something about loneliness that forever changed the way I thought about it. It made all those previous feelings of isolation make sense.

Loneliness is not a singular feeling; they actually say there are 3 types of loneliness…

1) Intimate Loneliness: When you don’t have an intimate relationship to share your innermost feelings, emotions and thoughts. (Spouse, best friend, life partner…aka my Rob)

2) Relational Loneliness: When you don’t have friendships or a circle of friends to spend time with on the weekends, after work or during other free time in your life. (Your girlfriends, co-workers or couple friends)

3) Collective Loneliness: When you don’t have a community that shares similar beliefs or passions as you do (workout groups, church community, book clubs, support groups…non-moms group?) 

When I read about the 3 types of loneliness for the first time, it was like a switch was flipped. It made so much sense to me. For years of my life, I had wandered through loneliness for different reasons and never really knew why. I always had people around me, but when I understand it more clearly now, they were never filling the voids I needed filled at the time.  Usually what I was feeling was “Collective Loneliness”. At that time in my life, I had been missing a community who shared the same beliefs in God as I did. Rob and I then joined a connection group from our church and my “Collective Loneliness” was filled.

Fast forward to the present. When my friend told me how much a childless community impacted her life, it just immediately felt like what I needed in my life too. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the “club” forever, but at least for right now.  I think sometimes we prevent ourselves from getting the support we need because we don’t want to permanently be in the situation we are in. But that’s not the point. We need support while we are going through things. 

I think it goes for all of us, in some aspect of our lives. Maybe you don’t have infertility struggles, but I’m guessing if you’re a human being, you have struggled or need encouragement in some area of your life. We can’t do it all by ourselves, even if we think we can! There’s a reason why there are a million “clubs” out there- support groups, running clubs, mom groups, bible studies, etc. We need each other. We need others to hold us accountable, share life experiences, listen with empathy and just enjoy life with those who have similar beliefs as we do. 

We need community. 

So…if you feel that “Collective Loneliness” in your heart…this is my open invitation to anyone who is struggling with infertility or being a childless woman. I would love to be a part of a childless/free community with you.  You know where to find me. Send me a message and we can get this thing started.