Learn How to Love Your Spouse.

I have made Rob take every personality test you can imagine since we started dating. Lucky him, huh? I naturally have a curiosity to learn what makes a person tick, and of course I have an even deeper interest in understanding the man I am married to.  My husband (I’m sure like many other men) has never spent much time “finding himself”/reflecting/learning who he is and how he feels inside, etc. That is until he met me…. (Hehe)

My husband hates to admit it, but he’s harmonious…he likes to keep other people happy and not worry about his needs as much. (…I love you babe…) Naturally it was hard to learn what this man needs in a relationship and how to love him. And when I mean, “love him”, I mean it in the way of learning how to love him in the way that resonates most with him.  (Side note: If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s absolutely a book everyone should read in his or her lifetime!)  Did he need words of affirmation, acts of service…gifts? Of course, I made him take the quiz but my harmonious husband’s results were an even mix of three.  (Challenge accepted.)

We’ve had several arguments over the years about how to truly love each other. Yes, it sounds so simple, but it’s really not for some couples.  Over the years I’ve learned how different people are inside. Even as completely compatible as Rob and I are, we are so unbelievably different. And it took a lot of time and some tough conversations to figure out how to truly love each other.  Let’s be honest, we don’t have it completely figured out either…but we’re a lot farther than we were 4 years ago.

I don’t remember it being one certain day when the light bulb went off in my head, but over time I gradually started opening my eyes to Rob’s love language. Quality Time. Duh! It’s so obvious now looking back. Whenever Rob and I had a really fun date, I could just tell he was happier and more “full” if that makes sense…..he also was more loving to me! My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time…so naturally, when Rob and I have some good, uninterrupted time with each other, it’s like a switch is flipped in our relationship. 

I have a good friend who once told me that whenever she really didn’t like her husband (haha…we’ve all been there!), she knew it was time for them to go on a date. I always thought this was the weirdest thing to say because if you didn’t like someone, why would you want to spend more time with them?  And then I got married and learned more about love languages and understood exactly what she meant.  Life can get so busy…and hard…and frustrating. Which can then make you get annoyed with your spouse because of the difficulties of life. What I’ve learned for both Rob and I (similar to my friend), one date night can make all those problems go away immediately and make us both feel “full” again. (…again… like flipping the switch.)

Rob and I planned a date day a week ago Saturday. It honestly had been awhile since we had been on a “date” and we could tell.  We just hadn’t been feeling as connected.  We went to one of our favorite places about an hour away, a winery/distillery, and then went for dinner after. On the hour drive home after dinner we were acting like idiots singing to songs with the music blaring like we were teenagers again. Not a care in the world. I woke up the next morning feeling content, happy and loved. I could tell Rob did as well. 

Life is hard.  Marriage can be hard. One busy week can change the tone of a marriage really fast. I could list about 100 things that are really important in a marriage…and they would be all true.  But if you truly want to keep the love going in your marriage (and why wouldn’t you), you have to learn how to love your spouse.  Find what works for your marriage, so that you and your spouse both can feel that “fullness” in your heart.  I promise you it’s 100% worth putting yourself out there and starting the conversation. Or maybe you could start by making your husband take a love language quiz too…