Reflections Before My Embryo Transfer

As I sit here and think about my upcoming embryo transfer tomorrow, I can’t help but reflect on where I’ve been. I think that’s why I’ve come to love writing so much…in order to tell a good story, you must reflect. And usually, the story begins long before you think it does.

My journey with infertility really began on August 10th, 2019. That was the beautiful, sunny day in Waterloo, Iowa when Rob and I were married. We were both 38 years old when we got married, so we figured there was no point in wasting time…we started trying for a baby right away.  We assumed it could be a challenge because of our age, but nothing could truly prepare us for the difficulties the next few years would throw at us. I remember my period being late in September, the month after we got married, and I sincerely thought maybe it would just happen that easily for us. Even at 38, I was still so naïve. 

Our first couple years of marriage were probably similar to many other newlyweds. We never lived together before, so we were trying to figure it all out. There were so many highs and (not gonna lie) a few unexpected lows. Marriage was equally hard and yet, the most beautiful thing I had ever been a part of in my life. Nothing in life can/should compare to the commitment you have to another human being when you are married to them. Nothing.

I don’t even think we realized how much added stress and frustration infertility brought into our marriage. I’ve always been super blessed by the love of a good man, though. My husband had said from the moment I met him: he is good either way. If we have kids, great. If we don’t have kids, great. The pressure I felt was always from myself. I feel even more for the women who get pressured from their spouse. I can say with 100% honesty, I have never felt that pressure from Rob. He is truly the greatest man I have ever met. 

I remember in May of 2020 when Rob and I (finally) met with doctors from the IVF clinic at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. They spoke to us honestly and shared their suggestion for a plan. The hard part for us was/is that we have unexplained infertility. We assume it’s because of our age, but there is technically nothing “wrong” with us. I think every aspect of infertility is hard, but I hate the fact that I still sometimes get hopeful that I will get pregnant naturally. Especially since I’m a daydreamer by nature. (Ugh.)

Since May 2020, I’ve had what I consider 4 IVF cycles. The 1st cycle never even resulted in an egg retrieval. The 2nd time we only got one embryo, which after testing came back with chromosomal abnormalities. The 3rd cycle was when we had 3 embryos and they all, again, had chromosomal abnormalities. And finally, the 4th resulted in 2 viable embryos, one of which I will be transferring into my uterus tomorrow. 

The 3rd cycle was when my heart was broken the most from infertility since none of our 3 embryos ended up being viable. We thought for sure we would at least get one! It was then that I truly thought for the first time in my life I might never have a child of my own. I will forever be grateful for that struggle though. That struggle is what pushed me to start my blog, which has been such a blessing to me. 

I think that catches us up to today, for the most part. Obviously, I just gave you the highlights and timeline. I didn’t provide detailed descriptions of the many mental and emotional breakdowns I had between August 2019 and today. 🙂 (Feel free to check out my previous blog posts if you interested in that. If you’re new here, check out my first ever blog post Infertility=Grief)

So, how do I describe my feelings today?

Hopeful. Thankful. Excited. Scared. Anxious. 

The great thing about my life is that when I look back and have the perspective I have today, I am so thankful it happened the way it did. Obviously, when was going through all the hard times these last few years, it didn’t feel great. And I was so heartbroken and asked ‘why’ so many times. But if I actually get pregnant and end up having the child my husband and I have prayed for, then I will be so thankful that this was my journey. Yes, it was heartbreaking. Yes, there was sadness and grief. Yes, I questioned my faith. Yes, it challenged our marriage. Yes, it made me wonder if there is anything good in this world for me. Yes, to all of it. 

But you know what it gave me?  

Me. The person I am today. And today I am stronger, more faith-driven, incredibly wise, more compassionate, more aware, more involved, less controlling, a better wife, a better friend and a writer. (Yes, I’m a writer!) I wouldn’t be anything of those things if I hadn’t gone through this journey. 

I hope one day I will add ‘mom’ to that list of attributes. I know without a doubt this journey will make me a better mom than I would’ve been before. I remember Brene Brown once saying something about being a better mom because she had kids when she was older. I feel like that would be true for me too. I have lived my life fully, I’ve seen the world, I’ve made (many) mistakes, I have grown. And all my experiences have made me 100% ready. God has prepared me.

So, what if it fails to work?

The good news is that if it fails, I will still be all those things I mentioned above. No one can take away all that I’ve learned on this journey. Maybe I won’t be a mom, but I will still have all the qualities I have gained. 

Successful or not, I am so glad I have brought you all on this journey with me. Truly.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been scary and at times, it’s added a little more pressure in my life. I don’t want it to fail for many reasons, but one of them is because I don’t want to disappoint all of you. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. I will forever be thankful I chose to include you, though. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you all are pulling for me, praying for me, putting out positive vibes, sending well wishes and everything in between. I feel the love and support from you in my bones. I’ve honestly never felt anything like it before. As I’ve reflected on why that is, I’ve realized it’s because I’ve never before allowed myself to be open and vulnerable about my experience while I am going through something. I usually wait until it’s over to share my life with others. This last round of IVF has made me think differently about that. I’ve realized that sharing your life with others in the midst of the trauma can be so powerful, positive and uplifting.

I hope you know this by now, but I’ll say it again…I am a believer and a Christian. (Btw, does that mean I am perfect or have it all figured out? Lord, no. And I will always appreciate a well-timed swear word. Just sayin.) But as a Christian, I’ve been taught and have learned that God hears prayers more profoundly when multiple people are praying the same prayer. If I’m being completely honest, that is a big reason I have opened up to you. And I truly believe that if this transfer is successful tomorrow, it will be because of the power of prayer. It will be because of you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, my friends. Your support and love have gotten me to today. Keep those prayers coming! Unfortunately, I won’t know if it’s successful until July 11th (I know, ugh!), but I will keep you posted along the way.  

All my love,

Steph

Matthew 18:19-20

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.”