Searching for the Sun

If you have never read my Bio page on my website (…not mad at ya…), you might wonder why I chose My Search for the Sun as the title of my blog.  I knew I didn’t want my blog to be completely centered around IVF or infertility because it was just a season I was going through. Instead, I wanted my blog to be about more than just one topic in my life…I wanted it to be about my entire life and the struggles I have faced and will face. 

I chose My Search for the Sun as the title because, to me, it means choosing to find the good in the bad. I’m sure there are some people out there who don’t care for the sun (are there though?), but really, who doesn’t love seeing the sun? Who doesn’t love feeling that warm sunshine on their skin? I think because I’ve lived in Iowa most of my life, I most certainly do not take the sun for granted. Our weather is all over the place, so when we have a beautiful, sunny day our moods are elevated.

When I was going through one of my most difficult health issues about 7 years ago, which I discussed in my post “Don’t Feel Sorry for Me”, I met with a Pastor to talk about my struggles. I was in a really bad place and needed someone to help me understand why I was going through what I was going through. I was asking the question we all ask when something bad happens…”Why me?”. 

I will never forget what he shared with me after I finished my monologue of self-pity. If I’m being completely honest, it kinda made me mad at the time because I didn’t understand it, but I have never forgotten his advice to this day. He said: “The question you need to ask yourself is not why me, but instead how do you glorify God in the midst of the struggle you are facing?” 

I will admit, my faith and trust in God at that time in my life was not where it is today, 7 years later. So when I heard those words, “How do I glorify God in the midst of this?” I was confused and even felt angry. Why would I want to glorify God for something I felt like He could have prevented? I didn’t feel like this major struggle in my life felt worthy of praise. I obviously didn’t understand the advice, but I never forgot it. 

Years went by. More challenges in my life came and went. I met my husband, fell deeply in love and have had some absolutely amazing years with barely any struggles at all. Then infertility. And then 3 failed IVF cycles. And then more questions, more self-pity, more confusion.

After my 3rd failed IVF cycle, I was searching for answers again and had another eye-opening moment from a different Pastor during one of his sermons. He reminded us that in life there WILL be suffering. There is no way around it. We live in a fallen world, with sin, so with that comes suffering and death. And how we can choose to glorify God when we suffer is to make meaning out of our suffering. He went on to say that when suffering seems pointless it’s then that people stop believing in God. For us to say that suffering is meaningless is assuming that we are God because we cannot see the whole picture like God can. Hmmm. 

I think those two moments in my life came together at that point and I started to understand it a little more….finally. 

The bottom line is that we are all going to suffer. All in different ways. Some maybe more than others, unfortunately. (I’m an Empath, so sometimes I think God is truly making me experience every.single.solitary kind of suffering there is so I can understand what others feel like…but anyway, that’s beside the point. Lol. #selfpity) But true growth and getting to the next-level of life is when we can get outside of our self-pity and figure out either 1) the meaning behind our suffering or 2) how we can use our suffering for good. That is how we glorify God through it. We don’t have to be happy about it, but we can still use it for good.

Recently I have started keeping track of my struggles and the good that has come from them. This is 100% to remind me that when I am going through something hard, there will be something even better to come out of it. I’ve seen it play out in every struggle I have had in my life since I finally understood what that Pastor was telling me.  I would love to give you a few examples from my own life and challenge you to reflect on some yourself.

My Struggle: The end of a very long relationship with someone I thought I would marry. 

My “Sun”: Meeting my husband and realizing I never even had a clue what true happiness looked like in a relationship before. I was literally too blind to see how toxic my previous relationship was because I was so obsessed with making it work. I realized that if God had given me what I asked for in those moments, the rest of my life would’ve been miserable. I always say that the greatest blessing God has ever given me is my husband. I wouldn’t feel that way if I hadn’t gone through a ton of suffering before finding him.

My Struggle: My dad passing away when I was 31 years old.

My “Sun”:  There was nothing good about my dad dying when he was 65, but I was able to learn so much about relationships and showing up for people through his death. I learned how I want to show up for others in their dark times. I learned that something as simple as sending a text saying “How are you?” can be exactly what someone needed that day. I’ve learned to always say ‘I love you’, say ‘I’m sorry’, send the text, send the card, show up for everything you can. Life is short. Give everything you can. 

My Struggle: My health issues which affected my physical appearance.

My “Sun”: I learned about compassion, vanity and letting go of control. I learned that someone’s physical appearance is about 1/100th of their story. I learned that looks don’t matter in the end, it’s what’s inside that counts. I learned that as much as you think you can control most things in your life, there are certain things you will never be able to control and you need to accept that. 

My Struggle: Infertility

My “Sun”: Starting my blog and realizing how much I love to write. I learned that when I shared my struggles with others, they in turn, felt comfortable doing the same. And when I chose to be that vulnerable with others, some of the deepest relationships I could have ever imagined have come from it.

So “searching for the sun” is about finding the good that can come from the struggle. As painful as that lesson was for me to learn, I’m so thankful I learned it. I’ve also learned that sometimes you won’t understand the “good” for awhile…it might take years or decades….and that’s okay too. You just need to have faith that someday it will all make sense.  I know and understand that with my whole heart now. And on the flip side, you can go through something hard, see all the good that will come of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to go through. That’s something I have been struggling with recently too. 

Either way, I will be forever grateful for the Pastor who didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear that day, but instead what I needed to hear. It was that conversation that sparked “my search for the sun” to truly begin. And having that perspective shift on my struggles has honestly changed my life.